Bonjours peeps

Claude’s Adventures my Derriere

About as adventurous as The Dearest One trying to get me back into the house when I’m not in the mood to be back in the house – nice try but no cigar!!

And in this episode:

I watched Crufts on the idiot box

I get told off and sulked (so what’s new there)

There’s a an unpleasant pheasant in our woods

And those damned puppy things are here and there – Sacre bleu peeps, please don’t tell me I was once like that. URGGHH………

For what seemed like an eternity The Dearest One came in every night to the living room, threw me off MY couch, then settled down with the usual cup of tea and some human munchies and watched what I now believe is a dog show called Crufts.

She went for one of the days and bought us all new vet beds which was damned decent of her.

Except I still took up my place on the couch and left the vet beds for the peasants!!

Or rather The Spins (wry smile)

Now am I teacher’s pet or what?

Does she spoil me?

Non

No she doesn’t actually and I’ve learned it’s less embarrassing for me to jump off the couch when she comes in than have the indignity of her demanding I give her the couch back. JJ finds it all rather funny……..sometimes, just sometimes I don’t like that dog

So here we all are then, JJ spark out on the other couch and probably dreaming of retrieving tennis balls all day long and wearing out 3 humans in the process, The rest of the gang scattered here and there, The Dearest One on the couch sipping tea and chewing munchies, and little me!!

Me……….going through the toy basket and no one to play with (oh bless him) ish

One night I happened to stop messing about and went over to the idiot box to see what all the fuss was about with this Crufts thing.

Just a load of dogs together at a rather large doggy conference. Some were showing off or being shown off…..some were showing their owners off and others were showing but not – if you see what I mean.

Is that what disappointment looks like?? I don’t want to be a show dog then

Or the owner!!

Then there were dogs dancing!! OH PLEASE, No way would I be seen doing that

They’ll be doing the Can Can next……

Can you imagine all those French poodles in frilly dresses?

Well I can can and we’d better move on!!!!!

Then there was the agility. Easy, I do that – eventually, and if I’m in the mood

But this idiot box thing is addictive isn’t it?

I stood there for ages looking at the thing and all this doggy stuff – BUT – No Barbets

Me thinks that some people – yes, you humanoids, are Doggist!!

Moan moan moan

“Bit slow through there and hopeless at the jumps” “Good grief even the Spins could
do better than that”

Sometime later I was sort of wondering aimlessly around the front room and decided two things would brighten up my life:

1. Annoy JJ and
2. Destroy his toy

But I had not allowed for one small, little minor detail – HER. The Dearest One

All was going well and JJ was suitably fed up with me and went off to his couch to sulk. He is nothing short of a big wimp

So I started on his toy, first threatening it with the usual bite down hard and toss it from side to side in my mouth. Once it was dizzy enough and confused I dropped it on the floor ready to rip its bits off – or rather its legs!!

“CLAUDE”

Oh oh!

“CLAUDE, NO” Boomed the giant tea bag

“Claude, No, put it down and LEAVE IT”

This meant war – red rag to a…….dog!! I think

And being the arrogant and “who do you think you’re talking to” type of dog I duly put the toy down!!

“SIT” Boomed the soggy miserable tea bag

And so I sat. But boy did I give her THE look………..oh yes. You should have seen the look on her face. She knew who she was messing with – and shouldn’t be

But she did

And I didn’t

I went into one giant huff and puff and one ultra sulk

“I’ll show HER” I thought to myself but couldn’t think of anything to show her and so I walked off over to my latest favourite spot in the house. The window sill!!

And I skulked away, lay down and dreamt of tearing up all her tea bags……..

That’ll show her whose boss. Claude’s time will come

“There were 10 new tea bags sitting on the wall, 10 new tea bags sitting on the wall, and if one new tea bag was to accidentally fall”……..Claude would tear it to bits and stick my tongue out at her. Covered in tea leaves!!! The ultimate revenge!!

Don’t mess with the Barbet – remember you’re only here to feed me…….

When I woke up I felt much better!!!!!

Moan moan moan

And yet even more time after that I went outside to see what the world had in store for me today.

And surprise surprise an oversized tea cup came with me with the Dearest One attached to it!!

Now you don’t see that every day do you?

Anyway, the mobile tea cup headed off towards the woods and I duly walked with it!!

Now this was one very talented tea cup because every now and again it would say “Heel”

So thinking to myself that it’s hopeless arguing with an inanimate object I would ‘heel’ – and so I heeled

At the woods the gate was opened for me and off I went – so far, so good!! (Oh no)

In the wood I sensed another being and instinct took over and off I went in search of this ‘being’. I couldn’t find a thing and although the wood is now growing back after the bleak winter we had I was getting a little disheartened. The mobile tea cup was nowhere to be seen, but that’s no surprise given I’m one foot something and the undergrowth is one foot more then I was quartering around on pure instinct.

Of course I knew exactly where the oversized tea cup was because I could hear it struggling along. Then suddenly!!!!!

There it was…….The being

Or more precisely, a Pheasant. A rather splendid pheasant to be precise – a male with all its gloriously coloured feathers clearly out to attract the ladies.

It just wasn’t his day was it?

I’m no lady and he had attracted ME. This was one stupid pheasant, or not as it turned out…… because:

a) The idiot was in our woods

b) At any one time there could be 4 or 5 of us in here – and we’re all gun dogs

c) It didn’t matter where he went I could now track him and unless I was virtually on top of him he wouldn’t fly off – they don’t until the last second

And so this game (no pun intended) went on for what seemed like ages, he would duck and dive but not fly. Although there were no ducks – that was just a saying

Eventually and I suppose inevitably I caught him face to face and he had the look of sheer doom on his little but rather splendid head. When I get back to the house I’m going to paint my head in red and gold and shades of brown – or maybe not
He flew off

I didn’t

But I did give chase – sort of

The fencing around the woods stopped me whereas the not so stupid pheasant just flew over it and gently glided down onto our bridle path about 3 or 4 meters from where I was on the wrong side of the fence.

You should have seen the smug smart rsss look on his face

It drove me absolutely nuts and I marched up and down that fence to look for a way through.

And that oversized tea cup didn’t help by laughing – Jolly jug…..yea, very funny.

That damned pheasant just stood there with a real look of “What no wings little doggy”

“AARRGGHH” I would have barked but we gun dogs don’t do that……

But how annoying was that…….

Every day since then and as soon as the back door is opened I’m off…….and guess where I go for hours on end??

And guess who still lives in our woods and is still annoying the hell out of me

I hate that bird.

I bet Unica and me would have had a chat with him by now!!

Speaking of Unica. Damned fine gun dog that one with a fantastic instinct – not as fantastic as mine of course, but she is just a girly after all!! (Oh oh controversial moment)

Unica was busy in the house giving birth to her puppies.

Seven to be exact. Dave, Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Titch or was that a 60s band…

OK what about Dozy, sleepy and so on – ah yes The Seven Dwarfs

I guess that makes The Dearest One Snow white……..oh how I laughed at the thought!!

(Another controversial moment)

Snow White………and the seven tea bags more like – more laughter

Now where was I? Oh yes Unica and her puppies

And to top it all my mom gave birth as well to loads more Mini Barbets – Vive le France

Fear not readers – none of those Barbet pups will be anything like me!! (Oh god, Thank you)

Now this was interesting?

I didn’t know what to make of all these Spin pups in our house. Was I really like that??

And another thought popped into my incredible brain!! (Oh no, now what)

The Barbet pups were down at my mom’s house and the Spin pups were at my house and that could only mean one terrible thing?

I would now have to deal with herds of Spins.

I checked with Air France but couldn’t get a seat

This was a disaster

There were already seven Spins and now another seven. And that makes…er, lots of Spins.

AND Peeps they are all in MY living room in a special pet pen. I have looked over many times at them and they were born huge.

These are not puppies, these are huge puppies. What the hell was Unica on?

I saw the photos of my mom’s pups and they were much more sensibly sized. Sort of mini Claude’s.

No don’t panic peeps – they could never be like me, I’m unique and simply fabulous – or just simply!!

Hang on a minute? What is that odd ball doing in there?

Anyway, my mom and her pups are doing splendidly well and so are those mini Spins.

You know what?

They squeak like my toys. No doubt going to be like JJ? Wimps – looks good but nothing in the head department

Can JJ read?

And so now the mini Spins are all the rage and poor Claude is left all on his own

Well actually none of us are because we have a non tea drinking male of the human species looking after us allegedly helping out because the mini Spins are growing – too bloody fast for my way of thinking. Those are going to be Spinicus Giganticus at the rate they’re growing and if they’re all like JJ then I’m not bothered.

Moan moan moan

But Spinicus Giganticus is coming shortly………you have been warned!!

There’s a hint in there of notes to come!!

Am I still training? Yes of course

You can’t keep a good dog down!!

Well peeps I’m fed up of moaning and I’m off to my very own sulking parlour for a snooze.

MY window sill………….The Barbets Boudoir

ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz




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