Bonjour peeps

Me again, Claude Barbet with my ongoing adventures, and this time I’m exploring the house on the hill which follows on from my introduction to the rest of the pack.

Freya is fast becoming my mate and has got me into all sorts of trouble already as you will shortly read about. Meanwhile, I have appeared to have upset JJ……….it was in my view just a little bit of over enthusiasm and in his view it has led to a complete lack of trust!! I think he exaggerated it all and just went over the top with it, but hey, Que Cera!!!

Unica remains a complete lunatic and with Freya I have now discovered ‘The Pond’ which until recently had eluded me. But to make up for lost time I now head straight for it every time I’m let out. I can’t see personally what all the fuss is about really, The Dearest One is not so happy and let’s be honest it’s just a bit of mud and lots of water – get over it. Or, come in and join me!!

Food? Well I’m so glad you asked……now that is where I’m excelling and as a bonus I got a big fresh bone from la boucherie for being a good boy!!!!!! Or was it because of the sneaky horrible downright uncouth trip in le Landee to the……VET, now that was not funny…….and so I had to get my own back once the bone was devoured – I found the overflow from the well and waded in the mud!! Nur nur nee nur nur…………oui ok, so that was childish. Now ask me if I care?

Oh yea and there is the case of me trying to improve my subtle camouflage of brown (that’s ok) and white (quite reediculous) for when I go out gun dog training (what’s a gun)?

So there you have it for this set of Adventures and hope you all enjoyed it. Où revoir………..

Oh God I’m so funny even at this age……..have you ever known such a sense of humour in one so young – and French (am I allowed to say that)?

OK here goes with more on the above…….enjoy peeps!!

So JJ what’s your problem??

Now listen peeps……..I went to the vet ok. So let’s get that out of the way first because that is important. In theory it was JJ who should have been with me, because he too almost but not quite nearly and we’re talking close, ended up at the vet – and how embarrassing would that have been for him?

Why?

Well peeps let me explain……..

We are all out playing, right. And I mean all of us. There are loads of toys and lots to do along with exploring. Now the latter comes later as it were!! But in the meantime we were all playing and this toy is a bit of a favourite to be honest. Anyway, there we all were and I was bimbling about waiting to try and catch out one of the Spins who had said toy. Now the Spins at the moment are a little bigger than me and can go from 0 to 60 in about the same time as it takes me to go from sit to stand in the same time. You get the picture……….they have legs and I don’t, but I’m assured they will come. And when they do those oversized quadrupeds had better watch out!! (Banker’s note: Nothing will change - The Hare and the Tortoise ring a bell)

So at some point in proceedings I was quite close to JJ and noticed if I hid as best I could in his shadow I could intercept Spin with toy and make a grab for it as it zoomed past. I hope you’re following this…………..

So here we go……..Spin bearing down fast to rear of JJ and run behind him and onwards, Me – Claude, lurking in his shadow, closer and closer it came, I steadied myself carefully and just completely at the wrong moment JJ moved and I pounced……..OK so for ‘I pounced’ read ‘made a Claude type of puppy movement’ to grab the toy from a Spin travelling at Mach 2.
I thought 2 things at this exact moment? 1. Bloody typical Italian, thinks it’s a Ferrari and 2. OH POO!!!!

The Ferrari, sorry, Spin zoomed past, I made a massive attempt at the grab……………and well, how can I put this subtly?

Well it was JJs fault wasn’t it? He moved….what the hell could I do for God sake?

There was this enormous YELP, JJ jumped 3 feet in the air and 8 feet forward and just hit the deck.

And for Claude? I missed the Spin, I missed the toy. But I did get ‘what I thought’ was the lumpy stuffing things in the toy. Oh balls!!

‘JJs’

No more to add really

Post Script: JJ no longer trusts me. JJ now faces me head on and with his tail firmly between his legs. The girls are very impressed though?

For days afterwards he walked awkwardly with rear legs slightly apart, had, er………..well, not so much balls, as sort of…..well he looked like he had two tennis balls in his back pocket.
I’m sure they weren’t though, I reckon they were his but he was just showing off, hence the girls giggling and staring at him – well not AT HIM, but more his back pocket.

Enough said Claude, said too much already……….move on!!

I still think it was his fault!!!!!!!

Bankers Note: The photograph for this piece was removed by the censor for the sake of all the male Spins reading this? It would have made them feel inadequate!! But JJ sure is popular!!

The Vet!!

Well well well. So much for the dear sweet Dearest One…….Dearest One my mini ass

“Oh Claude, come here and see what I’ve got for you” (Tin rattling in background)

“Where’s mummy’s boy then”?

Oh God, does she know how pathetic that sounds? But the rattling tin = food and food = happy Claude.

Or dumb Claude…….I can tell you peeps this was unfunny

The back door was shut, all the Spins were at the window laughing at me and extracting the urine. The Landee back door was open and there was The Dear sweet one……….grrrrrrrrrr

Next thing I knew I was in the back of that Landee and off out the gate and down the lane. Suspicious I was!!

Well it was a very short journey and we pulled into an innocent enough looking place with a smell of utter cleanliness.

Suspicious I was – and even more so now!!

The back door opened and that damned woman was there giving it the Claude who’s a good boy, poo. Within seconds I was in this room with odd looking and odd shaped bipeds that were humanoid in appearance.

Suspicious I was not??

Oh the fuss. Love me everyone I’m French you know………Bonjours all around

A door opened and a rather serious looking biped with normal size and shape approached me with the “Oh bless” poo………now I was getting even less suspicious and almost (but not quite) relaxed.

Oh stoopid Claude!!

Lulled into a false sense of security I was taken into a room for more fuss and the usual “Isn’t he gorgeous” – all quite obvious to me being French AND Gorgeous, my immediate thought was “I know that already, tell me something I don’t know”

Now at this point of proceedings the “Tell me something I don’t know” would have been perfect?

However??

“AARRGGGHHHH” “Sacre Bleu” “What the (censored) was that”?

All I felt was one hell of a pain and then nothing.

And yes you’ve guessed it – I have just had my first set of jabs!!

And THAT woman will have to be amazingly smart to catch me out twice for the second set. I’m French you know (have I mentioned that before) and trust me we learn damned quick. All that llubtish about “bless him” and “Oh how gorgeous” and the idiot going “What is it”? Trust me peeps, Claude knows now and Claude will not be so dumb next time.

Time for revenge – The Dearest One, will be in the house of pain after I have as well!!!

I’m sure JJ had something to do with it!!!!!

Mud, mud glorious mud………….

Or, colour coding your Barbet?

Now this place is a real eye opener for us dogs, it’s got loads of places to run jump and play….as you do!! It’s got a little pond, it’s got an overflow from the water well and that neatly sits near the mud bath!! Then there’s the woods, although I’m not allowed in there yet as I’m too small (allegedly) and she can’t see me properly…..hmmm……best go to Specsavers then!!

Anyway, we have the fields to charge around but yet again I can’t go in them either? But I don’t want to either?? Good grief there’s a dog in there that’s the size of a horse!!

Anyway, this time it was Freya’s fault. As you will have noticed there is a pattern forming here peeps – I get the blame for the Spins getting me into trouble…….Italians…..nuff said

I was quite happy on my own exploring around the place when Freya turned up, and quite without warning disappeared just as quickly. “That dogs up to no good” I mumbled to myself and this sense of ‘not knowing’ came all over me, a sort of ‘I wonder what she’s up to’ kind of thinking – well in my view (which at the moment is very limited in long grass) I needed to know, as that dog is in to all sorts of things (allegedly) and so off I trotted to see where she was.
“Oh no”!!!

“What the hell is this”?

Dark brown, wet and very soggy (not me you understand) but soon I was dark brown and very soggy……..mud and lots of it. And before you laugh, that damned Spin Freya with its long legs and powerful stride was soon out of it. Meanwhile, Claude (that’s me and I’m French) with no legs (yet) and a not so powerful stride discovered that my underbody was now well and truly coated in mud and the more I waded the more mess I got into.

Of course the Dearest One was there, not in the mud (after the vet episode I did have devious thoughts) but just nearby and of course was giving it the “Claude, look at the state you’re in, come here” “but I’m not in a state, it’s a mud bath” “or is this the state of mud bath” I wondered

Strange name for a strange place I thought to myself as I proudly walked from the aforementioned mud bath – now that’s the biggest word I’ve attempted in English – not bad eh?

However, enter stage left, shower. So now that’s 3 on my revenge list? The Dearest One – Vet and shower, Freya for introducing to me the mud bath which introduced me to the shower and the vet. That vet is in real trouble – devious that was. Oh trust me peeps, two can play at that game and I can see a JJ job on that vet!!

Or maybe not?

Damn. The vet is female………!!!!!!!

Fear not peeps, I will think of something – I am after all – French!!

Oh yes and that shower……I came out of it smelling like Chanel 57 – a sort of Heinz perfume for dogs – not a good omen for a gun dog that’s trying to unimpress the game. They’re supposed to be aware of me, not come around me and admire the fragrance – this can’t get any worse surely!!

The green green grass of home…….

OK OK so this time it’s my fault!! There I’ve said it and got it out of my system, and you won’t read that very often. I think…………

As you have just read above, ‘in my view’ (which at the moment is very limited in long grass) I went and complained to the Dearest One that the Spins were charging around all over the place and I couldn’t charge around in the long grass unless I was fired from a cannon.

After she had got the gunpowder and wadding in place down the barrel and grabbed me, it was then I pleaded with her to strim the grass…..just kidding.

She used me as the wadding……!!

Anyway, will someone explain to me about a) Dog line and b) PCRSA because either or both would get a call from me as I was bloody uncomfortable stuffed down that barrel.

And then the Dearest One would surely be in an uncomfortable position trying to explain away a unlicensed cannon in the back garden. I’m no fool………..

And so it came to pass? What did?

The strimmer of course with the Dearest One attached to it. Bless her. And away she went, zoom down here, across over there and back again. Then up the bank over to the steps (like a mountain range to me they are at the moment) then around the side and down the bank away from the steps.

And suddenly after many hours of toiling away – well OK then half an hour of toil and many hours drinking tea I finally saw the light!!!

There was lots of light. The grass had gone and now there was no stopping me. I followed the strimmer everywhere, and everywhere it went Claude was sure to follow and the more he followed the more light he could see……..oh I’m fed up with the poetry stuff.

I got bored and stuck my head in the sand in the end and just stayed there until the strimming had finished – yea I know? It wasn’t really sand as I haven’t a clue what sand is. Just sounded good – it was the grass I stuck my head in until the strimmer had packed up for the day and gone inside the house (probably for more tea)

So it was with that, 3 things now occurred to me?

1. I started out the day with white and brown boots and at the end of the day they were now green. I’m French you know and as a fashion icon the green blended well with my white and brown to create this summer’s new colour co-ordinated look. Of course, the Italians amongst us were green with jealousy, or rather they weren’t, get over it boys and girls – the French thought of it first. Another childish moment (Because I can)

2. I was worn out and didn’t realise it until I found myself waking up outside the back door and still with half the garden on me!!

3. If you follow the strimmer about the garden despite the noise and despite the Dearest One attached to it then you will get tired, if you then stick your head in the cut grass and stay there then something is bound to stick……and yet you look so cute spark out on the mat outside the door with your green colour co-ordinated boots and some ridiculous grunge stuck to your face then it’s your own stupid fault.

Here endeth the lesson!!!

Is there a moral to this little tale? Speaking of tales – mine’s rather splendid don’t you think? It’s French you know – better than the Italian one’s (I know I know, another childish moment)
Oh yea sorry, the moral, if you like noisy strimmers and cold tea then follow the Dearest One and you‘ll get both. But don’t stick your head in the grass afterwards – Claude the wise knows best!!

I like the neighbours!!

During my explorations in and around the house I have discovered another one? Or rather I haven’t – in my language I have found a gite………a cottage type of thing. Well not a thing exactly because it is a cottage!! Oh for God’s sake you know what I mean, don’t be awkward!!

Anyway, in the cottage are two maturing, OK elderly, alright alright so they’re old humanoids, good grief what’s wrong with you peeps? Anyway, I was (as usual) just sort of loitering with intent around said cottage and this vision appeared – an odd one admittedly, very, if I’m honest. Odd because there were two of them for one thing, and odder because they kept looking at me and oddest of all they lured me to them. This wasn’t that difficult really given the smell of food!!

Now a couple of things sprung into my brain cell at this moment (it’s all it could cope with) the first was that either the old folk smelt of food and I was to eat them both OR, they had a treat for me.

Enter stage right – The Puppy dog look……….

Suckers……….it worked, and now I’m round there every day getting treats just because I look so damned good and the old girl can’t resist that French look!!!!

Oh what it is to be beautiful………the Italians can only envy……..

However!! (oh oh, here it comes) damn and blast and sacre bleu……I have discovered (I got caught) that the mature one’s (bless them) are apparently attached to the Dearest One who (and I caught her) also goes to these maturist of the mature one’s for treats.

Catch 22, me thinks……..she can’t say anything to me because she got caught as well accepting treats from them.

Smug Claude

Lesson number 89 for Claude? The maturist of the mature ones have turned out to be the Dearest One’s parents. And therefore the Dearest One (unbless her) has now restricted the mature one’s treats to me.

Claude is underwhelmed

We have now agreed a compromise – I still go up there and she doesn’t know about it!!

Jaw ache?

The Dearest One gets us bones – I mean proper bones, not what we’ve dug up from the church graveyard up at the top of the hill – that’s different!! Eeeek……..just kidding – honest. Sort of, ish
These are proper bones, real ones. No idea where she gets them from and don’t care to be honest as long as they keep coming. Now we all get one and they are to be honest great fun. Or not!!

Now I’m just a puppy…….sigh, oh how sweet and cuddly blah blah blah – but I got me a bone. She gave it to me, probably to shut me up and keep me in one place. And it did!! I calculated (as I do) that the bone represented 25% of my body mass. The thing was massive and there was no way was I going to give this bone up to anyone or anything. And so it came to pass that from beginning to end I never left my bone home alone. A poet and didn’t know it!!!

19 hours later I was a) full b) worn out and c) exhausted

I slept for about 83 hours and woke up starving………and there was still loads of marrow and scrawny bits of meat left on it. It took me about 3 days of chewing, sleeping, chewing to get through it, but I remained defiant and in the end?

I got jaw ache and couldn’t stand the sight of the damned thing any longer and gave it away. I was sick to death of the thing and glad to see it go. Talk about eyes bigger than your belly…..
But can’t wait for the next one……..”Go fetch Dearest one” “Oh Dearest One, fetch the bone for Claudy poos”

I would love to tell you about it, but I can’t even open my jaw to do that!!

Claude is dumb struck – or Claude has lock jaw!!

Claude’s baptism in the pond

I knew those two were going to cause me trouble – you just instinctively know don’t you……..
Freya and Unica – if only I was 8 times bigger and faster than a Ferrari – although at the moment being faster than a Citroen 2CV would be an achievement!!

It was a really nice day, the sun was out, the birds were singing and the world was at peace, well except for Syria, Afghanistan, several African nations, Iraq, parts of South America and in our garden!!!

The peace was shattered here by those two idiots who were splashing about in the pond. “What pond” “I didn’t know this place had a pond”

“This grass is too long………”!!! “I can’t see a THINNNGGGGG”…………….SPLASH
Claude has fallen in the pond…….silly Claude


Oh how they laughed………oh just you wait till Claude grows up. Those two idiots are on my hit list. And I’m going to be a gun dog extraordinaire!!! A trained sniper if I get my way.

The pond is not a lake, nor for that matter a real pond. It’s more like a small pond!! And it’s slightly overgrown and left like that because The Banker loves his nature thing and the pond has newts and frogs in it apparently!! (what the hell is an amphibian)?

Claude is an amphibian??

He can splash about in the pond and walk on land. Claude had no choice!!!!!

I felt so stupid and yet utterly amazed? I loved it and now that I’ve tested the water (clever eh) there is no stopping me at all. None!!

Every time the Despicable One or whatever she calls herself (Claude’s not forgiven her for the vet thing) opens that back door, I’m off down to the amphibian’s café for water and then some. I love it and now spend most of my day soaked to the skin. From time to time I come out and dry off in the sun and mess about with the others, but the lure of the pond is too strong to resist – so I don’t

Eventually though, all good things must come to an end, and so it is for this set of adventures. Fear not though peeps for I shall return in my next set of Adventures??

‘Claude Barbet – The fourth Musketeer’ (Excellent for a Gun Dog don’t you think)

Well that’s it from me for this time, the boys have invited me down the pub for a pint or two……..

Well you know how it is? It’s gotta be done hasn’t it. Socialise a bit – you know what I mean
Underage? No, of course not. How many little sweet doggies do you see getting breathalysed?

Until next time – Où revoir………



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