again, Claude Barbet with my ongoing adventures, and this
time I’m exploring the house on the hill which follows
on from my introduction to the rest of the pack.
is fast becoming my mate and has got me into all sorts
of trouble already as you will shortly read about. Meanwhile,
I have appeared to have upset JJ……….it
was in my view just a little bit of over enthusiasm and
in his view it has led to a complete lack of trust!! I
think he exaggerated it all and just went over the top
with it, but hey, Que Cera!!!
remains a complete lunatic and with Freya I have now discovered
‘The Pond’ which until recently had eluded
me. But to make up for lost time I now head straight for
it every time I’m let out. I can’t see personally
what all the fuss is about really, The Dearest One is
not so happy and let’s be honest it’s just
a bit of mud and lots of water – get over it. Or,
come in and join me!!
Well I’m so glad you asked……now that
is where I’m excelling and as a bonus I got a big
fresh bone from la boucherie for being a good boy!!!!!!
Or was it because of the sneaky horrible downright uncouth
trip in le Landee to the……VET, now that was
not funny…….and so I had to get my own back
once the bone was devoured – I found the overflow
from the well and waded in the mud!! Nur nur nee nur nur…………oui
ok, so that was childish. Now ask me if I care?
yea and there is the case of me trying to improve my subtle
camouflage of brown (that’s ok) and white (quite
reediculous) for when I go out gun dog training (what’s
there you have it for this set of Adventures and hope
you all enjoyed it. Où revoir………..
God I’m so funny even at this age……..have
you ever known such a sense of humour in one so young
– and French (am I allowed to say that)?
here goes with more on the above…….enjoy peeps!!
JJ what’s your problem??
listen peeps……..I went to the vet ok. So let’s
get that out of the way first because that is important.
In theory it was JJ who should have been with me, because
he too almost but not quite nearly and we’re talking
close, ended up at the vet – and how embarrassing
would that have been for him?
peeps let me explain……..
are all out playing, right. And I mean all of us. There
are loads of toys and lots to do along with exploring.
Now the latter comes later as it were!! But in the meantime
we were all playing and this toy is a bit of a favourite
to be honest. Anyway, there we all were and I was bimbling
about waiting to try and catch out one of the Spins who
had said toy. Now the Spins at the moment are a little
bigger than me and can go from 0 to 60 in about the same
time as it takes me to go from sit to stand in the same
time. You get the picture……….they have
legs and I don’t, but I’m assured they will
come. And when they do those oversized quadrupeds had
better watch out!! (Banker’s note: Nothing will
change - The Hare and the Tortoise ring a bell)
at some point in proceedings I was quite close to JJ and
noticed if I hid as best I could in his shadow I could
intercept Spin with toy and make a grab for it as it zoomed
past. I hope you’re following this…………..
here we go……..Spin bearing down fast to rear
of JJ and run behind him and onwards, Me – Claude,
lurking in his shadow, closer and closer it came, I steadied
myself carefully and just completely at the wrong moment
JJ moved and I pounced……..OK so for ‘I
pounced’ read ‘made a Claude type of puppy
movement’ to grab the toy from a Spin travelling
at Mach 2.
I thought 2 things at this exact moment? 1. Bloody typical
Italian, thinks it’s a Ferrari and 2. OH POO!!!!
Ferrari, sorry, Spin zoomed past, I made a massive attempt
at the grab……………and well,
how can I put this subtly?
it was JJs fault wasn’t it? He moved….what
the hell could I do for God sake?
was this enormous YELP, JJ jumped 3 feet in the air and
8 feet forward and just hit the deck.
for Claude? I missed the Spin, I missed the toy. But I
did get ‘what I thought’ was the lumpy stuffing
things in the toy. Oh balls!!
more to add really
Script: JJ no longer trusts me. JJ now faces me head on
and with his tail firmly between his legs. The girls are
very impressed though?
days afterwards he walked awkwardly with rear legs slightly
apart, had, er………..well, not so much
balls, as sort of…..well he looked like he had two
tennis balls in his back pocket.
I’m sure they weren’t though, I reckon they
were his but he was just showing off, hence the girls
giggling and staring at him – well not AT HIM, but
more his back pocket.
said Claude, said too much already……….move
still think it was his fault!!!!!!!
Note: The photograph for this piece
was removed by the censor for the sake of all the male
Spins reading this? It would have made them feel inadequate!!
But JJ sure is popular!!
well well. So much for the dear sweet Dearest One…….Dearest
One my mini ass
Claude, come here and see what I’ve got for you”
(Tin rattling in background)
mummy’s boy then”?
God, does she know how pathetic that sounds? But the rattling
tin = food and food = happy Claude.
dumb Claude…….I can tell you peeps this was
back door was shut, all the Spins were at the window laughing
at me and extracting the urine. The Landee back door was
open and there was The Dear sweet one……….grrrrrrrrrr
thing I knew I was in the back of that Landee and off
out the gate and down the lane. Suspicious I was!!
it was a very short journey and we pulled into an innocent
enough looking place with a smell of utter cleanliness.
I was – and even more so now!!
back door opened and that damned woman was there giving
it the Claude who’s a good boy, poo. Within seconds
I was in this room with odd looking and odd shaped bipeds
that were humanoid in appearance.
I was not??
the fuss. Love me everyone I’m French you know………Bonjours
door opened and a rather serious looking biped with normal
size and shape approached me with the “Oh bless”
poo………now I was getting even less suspicious
and almost (but not quite) relaxed.
into a false sense of security I was taken into a room
for more fuss and the usual “Isn’t he gorgeous”
– all quite obvious to me being French AND Gorgeous,
my immediate thought was “I know that already, tell
me something I don’t know”
at this point of proceedings the “Tell me something
I don’t know” would have been perfect?
“Sacre Bleu” “What the (censored) was
I felt was one hell of a pain and then nothing.
yes you’ve guessed it – I have just had my
first set of jabs!!
THAT woman will have to be amazingly smart to catch me
out twice for the second set. I’m French you know
(have I mentioned that before) and trust me we learn damned
quick. All that llubtish about “bless him”
and “Oh how gorgeous” and the idiot going
“What is it”? Trust me peeps, Claude knows
now and Claude will not be so dumb next time.
for revenge – The Dearest One, will be in the house
of pain after I have as well!!!
sure JJ had something to do with it!!!!!
mud glorious mud………….
colour coding your Barbet?
this place is a real eye opener for us dogs, it’s
got loads of places to run jump and play….as you
do!! It’s got a little pond, it’s got an overflow
from the water well and that neatly sits near the mud
bath!! Then there’s the woods, although I’m
not allowed in there yet as I’m too small (allegedly)
and she can’t see me properly…..hmmm……best
go to Specsavers then!!
we have the fields to charge around but yet again I can’t
go in them either? But I don’t want to either??
Good grief there’s a dog in there that’s the
size of a horse!!
this time it was Freya’s fault. As you will have
noticed there is a pattern forming here peeps –
I get the blame for the Spins getting me into trouble…….Italians…..nuff
was quite happy on my own exploring around the place when
Freya turned up, and quite without warning disappeared
just as quickly. “That dogs up to no good”
I mumbled to myself and this sense of ‘not knowing’
came all over me, a sort of ‘I wonder what she’s
up to’ kind of thinking – well in my view
(which at the moment is very limited in long grass) I
needed to know, as that dog is in to all sorts of things
(allegedly) and so off I trotted to see where she was.
the hell is this”?
brown, wet and very soggy (not me you understand) but
soon I was dark brown and very soggy……..mud
and lots of it. And before you laugh, that damned Spin
Freya with its long legs and powerful stride was soon
out of it. Meanwhile, Claude (that’s me and I’m
French) with no legs (yet) and a not so powerful stride
discovered that my underbody was now well and truly coated
in mud and the more I waded the more mess I got into.
course the Dearest One was there, not in the mud (after
the vet episode I did have devious thoughts) but just
nearby and of course was giving it the “Claude,
look at the state you’re in, come here” “but
I’m not in a state, it’s a mud bath”
“or is this the state of mud bath” I wondered
name for a strange place I thought to myself as I proudly
walked from the aforementioned mud bath – now that’s
the biggest word I’ve attempted in English –
not bad eh?
enter stage left, shower. So now that’s 3 on my
revenge list? The Dearest One – Vet and shower,
Freya for introducing to me the mud bath which introduced
me to the shower and the vet. That vet is in real trouble
– devious that was. Oh trust me peeps, two can play
at that game and I can see a JJ job on that vet!!
The vet is female………!!!!!!!
not peeps, I will think of something – I am after
all – French!!
yes and that shower……I came out of it smelling
like Chanel 57 – a sort of Heinz perfume for dogs
– not a good omen for a gun dog that’s trying
to unimpress the game. They’re supposed to be aware
of me, not come around me and admire the fragrance –
this can’t get any worse surely!!
green green grass of home…….
OK so this time it’s my fault!! There I’ve
said it and got it out of my system, and you won’t
read that very often. I think…………
you have just read above, ‘in my view’ (which
at the moment is very limited in long grass) I went and
complained to the Dearest One that the Spins were charging
around all over the place and I couldn’t charge
around in the long grass unless I was fired from a cannon.
she had got the gunpowder and wadding in place down the
barrel and grabbed me, it was then I pleaded with her
to strim the grass…..just kidding.
used me as the wadding……!!
will someone explain to me about a) Dog line and b) PCRSA
because either or both would get a call from me as I was
bloody uncomfortable stuffed down that barrel.
then the Dearest One would surely be in an uncomfortable
position trying to explain away a unlicensed cannon in
the back garden. I’m no fool………..
so it came to pass? What did?
strimmer of course with the Dearest One attached to it.
Bless her. And away she went, zoom down here, across over
there and back again. Then up the bank over to the steps
(like a mountain range to me they are at the moment) then
around the side and down the bank away from the steps.
suddenly after many hours of toiling away – well
OK then half an hour of toil and many hours drinking tea
I finally saw the light!!!
was lots of light. The grass had gone and now there was
no stopping me. I followed the strimmer everywhere, and
everywhere it went Claude was sure to follow and the more
he followed the more light he could see……..oh
I’m fed up with the poetry stuff.
got bored and stuck my head in the sand in the end and
just stayed there until the strimming had finished –
yea I know? It wasn’t really sand as I haven’t
a clue what sand is. Just sounded good – it was
the grass I stuck my head in until the strimmer had packed
up for the day and gone inside the house (probably for
it was with that, 3 things now occurred to me?
I started out the day with white and brown boots and at
the end of the day they were now green. I’m French
you know and as a fashion icon the green blended well
with my white and brown to create this summer’s
new colour co-ordinated look. Of course, the Italians
amongst us were green with jealousy, or rather they weren’t,
get over it boys and girls – the French thought
of it first. Another childish moment (Because I can)
I was worn out and didn’t realise it until I found
myself waking up outside the back door and still with
half the garden on me!!
If you follow the strimmer about the garden despite the
noise and despite the Dearest One attached to it then
you will get tired, if you then stick your head in the
cut grass and stay there then something is bound to stick……and
yet you look so cute spark out on the mat outside the
door with your green colour co-ordinated boots and some
ridiculous grunge stuck to your face then it’s your
own stupid fault.
endeth the lesson!!!
there a moral to this little tale? Speaking of tales –
mine’s rather splendid don’t you think? It’s
French you know – better than the Italian one’s
(I know I know, another childish moment)
Oh yea sorry, the moral, if you like noisy strimmers and
cold tea then follow the Dearest One and you‘ll
get both. But don’t stick your head in the grass
afterwards – Claude the wise knows best!!
like the neighbours!!
my explorations in and around the house I have discovered
another one? Or rather I haven’t – in my language
I have found a gite………a cottage type
of thing. Well not a thing exactly because it is a cottage!!
Oh for God’s sake you know what I mean, don’t
in the cottage are two maturing, OK elderly, alright alright
so they’re old humanoids, good grief what’s
wrong with you peeps? Anyway, I was (as usual) just sort
of loitering with intent around said cottage and this
vision appeared – an odd one admittedly, very, if
I’m honest. Odd because there were two of them for
one thing, and odder because they kept looking at me and
oddest of all they lured me to them. This wasn’t
that difficult really given the smell of food!!
a couple of things sprung into my brain cell at this moment
(it’s all it could cope with) the first was that
either the old folk smelt of food and I was to eat them
both OR, they had a treat for me.
stage right – The Puppy dog look……….
worked, and now I’m round there every day getting
treats just because I look so damned good and the old
girl can’t resist that French look!!!!
what it is to be beautiful………the Italians
can only envy……..
(oh oh, here it comes) damn and blast and sacre bleu……I
have discovered (I got caught) that the mature one’s
(bless them) are apparently attached to the Dearest One
who (and I caught her) also goes to these maturist of
the mature one’s for treats.
22, me thinks……..she can’t say anything
to me because she got caught as well accepting treats
number 89 for Claude? The maturist of the mature ones
have turned out to be the Dearest One’s parents.
And therefore the Dearest One (unbless her) has now restricted
the mature one’s treats to me.
have now agreed a compromise – I still go up there
and she doesn’t know about it!!
Dearest One gets us bones – I mean proper bones,
not what we’ve dug up from the church graveyard
up at the top of the hill – that’s different!!
Eeeek……..just kidding – honest. Sort
These are proper bones, real ones. No idea where she gets
them from and don’t care to be honest as long as
they keep coming. Now we all get one and they are to be
honest great fun. Or not!!
I’m just a puppy…….sigh, oh how sweet
and cuddly blah blah blah – but I got me a bone.
She gave it to me, probably to shut me up and keep me
in one place. And it did!! I calculated (as I do) that
the bone represented 25% of my body mass. The thing was
massive and there was no way was I going to give this
bone up to anyone or anything. And so it came to pass
that from beginning to end I never left my bone home alone.
A poet and didn’t know it!!!
hours later I was a) full b) worn out and c) exhausted
slept for about 83 hours and woke up starving………and
there was still loads of marrow and scrawny bits of meat
left on it. It took me about 3 days of chewing, sleeping,
chewing to get through it, but I remained defiant and
in the end?
got jaw ache and couldn’t stand the sight of the
damned thing any longer and gave it away. I was sick to
death of the thing and glad to see it go. Talk about eyes
bigger than your belly…..
But can’t wait for the next one……..”Go
fetch Dearest one” “Oh Dearest One, fetch
the bone for Claudy poos”
would love to tell you about it, but I can’t even
open my jaw to do that!!
is dumb struck – or Claude has lock jaw!!
baptism in the pond
knew those two were going to cause me trouble –
you just instinctively know don’t you……..
Freya and Unica – if only I was 8 times bigger and
faster than a Ferrari – although at the moment being
faster than a Citroen 2CV would be an achievement!!
was a really nice day, the sun was out, the birds were
singing and the world was at peace, well except for Syria,
Afghanistan, several African nations, Iraq, parts of South
America and in our garden!!!
peace was shattered here by those two idiots who were
splashing about in the pond. “What pond” “I
didn’t know this place had a pond”
grass is too long………”!!! “I
can’t see a THINNNGGGGG”…………….SPLASH
Claude has fallen in the pond…….silly Claude
Oh how they laughed………oh just you wait
till Claude grows up. Those two idiots are on my hit list.
And I’m going to be a gun dog extraordinaire!!!
A trained sniper if I get my way.
pond is not a lake, nor for that matter a real pond. It’s
more like a small pond!! And it’s slightly overgrown
and left like that because The Banker loves his nature
thing and the pond has newts and frogs in it apparently!!
(what the hell is an amphibian)?
is an amphibian??
can splash about in the pond and walk on land. Claude
had no choice!!!!!
felt so stupid and yet utterly amazed? I loved it and
now that I’ve tested the water (clever eh) there
is no stopping me at all. None!!
Every time the Despicable One or whatever she calls herself
(Claude’s not forgiven her for the vet thing) opens
that back door, I’m off down to the amphibian’s
café for water and then some. I love it and now
spend most of my day soaked to the skin. From time to
time I come out and dry off in the sun and mess about
with the others, but the lure of the pond is too strong
to resist – so I don’t
though, all good things must come to an end, and so it
is for this set of adventures. Fear not though peeps for
I shall return in my next set of Adventures??
Barbet – The fourth Musketeer’ (Excellent
for a Gun Dog don’t you think)
that’s it from me for this time, the boys have invited
me down the pub for a pint or two……..
you know how it is? It’s gotta be done hasn’t
it. Socialise a bit – you know what I mean
Underage? No, of course not. How many little sweet doggies
do you see getting breathalysed?
next time – Où revoir………