Bonjour Peeps

Well what a busy time I’ve had, autograph hunters, the press and magazine interviews, Dog World, TV appearances and book signings are all the things that have not happened to me during this period. Not one!!!!!


Claude Barbet – THE Claude Barbet and yet fame and fortune alludes me still – and so do my bones??

The first bone was one I got myself after I had beaten the living daylights out of a lone roaming Brontosaurus that had strayed into our garden. Now you don’t see these around very often and it’s typical of living remotely, you just never know what’s going to turn up next……..

The second bone was stolen from me by a certain Hungarian Dog living with us who’s training in stealth and use of clever tactics has not been wasted on him. Personally I blame the Russians.
But that Viz owes me big time because his devious deed has not gone unnoticed by young Claude Barbet, oh no peeps that Viz will regret crossing the Fiend from France. He had better be on full alert now and Claudy Poos is going to ignore his age as well, I don’t trust that dog now as he is damned more agile than he looks…..crafty old Viz!!!!

But before I tell you more on the above (that was just a tease for what follows) I want ALL my adoring fans to know something??

CLAUDE BARBET HAS GROWN UP

I was out and about the other day and suddenly without warning – I found myself stood on three legs – yes peeps I used just three legs (what the hell is he on about?)

You see what happened was the other leg at the back I noticed was stuck out to my left and raised in the air about 45 degrees. Meanwhile, another element of my body was performing an act of urination. AMAZING…….there I was, bimbling around and suddenly I stopped, found myself balanced on three legs and there I was urinating. Imagine my surprise, and it felt so natural….. erm…..and a relief

“I’m a mannnn, yes I am…. and I told you so” a line from an old song I heard my owner singing.

Question??

Speaking of the owner, The Banker we’re on about here by the way – when he urinates outside why doesn’t he raise his leg and stand there on the other one??

“What”?

“What do you mean shut up and don’t tell them that”?

“Look this is my page and I’ll write what the hell I like – OK”?

“And it’s not my fault you haven’t grown up and can’t raise your leg up like I can”

Anyway, sorry about that minor interruption, seems like someone is jealous!!!

No surprises there then. I’m French and he exists

Now where was I? Oh yes….

Later on I couldn’t help but notice that that big oaf JJ (The Italian without the medallion) also went round raising his leg and urinating on anything and everything, and so me being me followed him everywhere that day and where he did, so did I and over where he’d been…….nur nur nee nur nur

CB - “Anything you can do I can do better” “I can do anything better than you”

Take it away JJ - “No you can’t”

CB - “Yes I can”

“No you can’t”

CB - “Yes I can”

CB - “No I can’t, you’re right”?

He’s three times bigger than me and so is his bladder!!!

So now peeps I walk with a REAL mans swagger and poise…..

Claude Barbet – French Monsieur in the making

And so it came to pass that I was off again on my travels to a land far far away. Non, Not THE Far Far away in Shrek – this was a different land (but the characters are the same)

Naughty Claude!! A moment of French humour……

I was off down South or more precisely Southampton and if you remember this was where I met up with the Special Forces of the Barbet world – The Ninja Barbets.

It was also the place where we Barbets had planned to take over the world – OK, OK so that’s an exaggeration, we planned (and failed) to take over the back garden.

As a plan went, it was poo….

But it was good fun and lots of peeps took my photo – as you do

Before this journey took place the Dearest One thought it would be a good idea to shower me!! OH MY GOD…..am I not gorgeous enough?

To say I was unimpressed is an understatement, and after being sprayed with Canine No 5, I was by then underwhelmed as well.

But the Spins enjoyed the laugh – on me……..especially JJ who said I was his if I smelt like that when I got back??

1. His what?

2. Mud bath, jump in the river and splash around in the sea was clearly going to be the order of the day - there was no way I was coming back home smelling like a…..erm……well you know? A smelly thing – I dunno!!!

Claude ‘the wimp’ Barbet??

Nothing is ever as it seems and when we got there I leapt out of the back of the car and flung myself at……….no one, nothing, Zilch?

No screaming fans

No dogs and no humans

Pathetic

If this was how it was going to be then this was going to be boring with a Capital B

And then it happened?

Out of nowhere came this small Black & White blob – four legged, mini ninja dress code and seeking friendship or so it appeared. The thing was odd looking to say the least with quite ridiculous ears and the look of a bulldog chewing a wasp. I wandered over to it and it suddenly screeched at me, you would have thought I was murdering it!

Raising my leg was going to be useless and being somewhat startled, not to say shocked by the appearance and sound of this oddball I didn’t know whether to pick it up and take it out into the field or poo!!!

I chose the latter

Obviously in this state of mind and now having loose bowels I of course sought the sanctuary of The Dearest One……and hid behind her. It was then I went manly in a wimpish kind of way? I growled at it - in French

Well what else was I going to do? Put yourself in my position

Later on I found out that this thing actually had a name, but not what I was thinking it was!!
Apparently ‘Thing’ is called a Cocker Spaniel – pathetic. English Springer, fine I can live with that – and oddly enough, I do as well!! Now that has a regal name to it and being French and regal myself I can associate with that. But Cocker Spaniel!! And what the hell is a Cocker?

I know what English is, but just exactly what is a Cocker and I want to meet the person that first said “Oh I know, let’s call it a Cocker”

Give me strength

Why not call it a Titanic Spaniel – no forget that, it sank

Then why not Concorde Spaniel – forget that as well, it’ll just make the Americans jealous
Or what about Southampton Spaniel

Or even Hampton Spaniel, non. That could be construed as rude with some people!!!

But Cocker……..I’m a classic French dog and there is no way on earth the French would have called any dog a Cocker

Yeah OK so we have the Toy Poodle…….point taken!!

Yes alright fine, and The Standard Poodle……..God, don’t go on about it – you’ve made your point

And now look, I’ve forgotten where I was

Mini ninja thing, sorry Ninja Cocker – oh this is really ridiculous

As it turns out the Cocker Spaniel is a puppy of sorts, I remembered when I was one of them until I raised my leg and after that the world changed. But I decided said Cocker was about as much a ninja as I was being the next French President…..and anyway I’m more popular just being me!! Vive le France – and Wales

Over the course of the weekend I got friendly with the Cocker but not that friendly!!
I’m French you know and maybe a bit of a wimp. But I can raise my leg now and stand on the other three to pee……HA…….I never saw that Cocker cock its leg!!!

Now for something completely different

Brontosaurus Bone

We were all out and about around the garden and ménage and places and Claude had ventured to the far end of the garden. I like it here because it’s tranquil and I hide under the bushes and play and sing happy tunes to myself tra la la dum dee dum dee dar…….or that nice song ‘Rumour has it’ by Adele. OK then, probably not that one

Anyway, there I was under this bush messing about with no leg raising involved when I heard loud footsteps, I looked out and to my surprise it was a Brontosaurus……..now you don’t see many of these around in towns and cities but out here in the wilds you get the odd one now and again. I was feeling brave and felt that this particular Brontosaurus was trespassing on our hallowed turf.

I leapt out from under the bush and leapt onto its back and proceeded to beat the living daylights out of it. It died almost immediately from the shock of my stealth tactics, my cunning and Special Forces training that I get on Sundays from gun dog training.

When I woke up from this dream I found I had an enormous bone that was mine – “It’s mine I tell you – mine”
The bone wasn’t a dream – it was real and it’s definitely from a Brontosaurus……!!

That damn Viszla

There’s life in that old dog yet…….

It s that Viz – that devious low life of a dog that looks old and grey and slow but is definitely not and I’ve fallen out with him BIG time……oh pity him my derrière……Grrrrrrrr

You see when I hear or sense that The Dearest One has the keys to the Subaru I get all excited (but not in a leg raising way you understand) and charge in a dignified way to the back door, if I’m already outside then I sit on the floor behind the Subaru and wait for her to let me in.

Nowadays it’s turned into a game. She doesn’t always take me with her you see but I still want to go – so now she hides the keys, puts them in her bag or coat pocket and the only time I know she’s going out is when I hear the car start up and see it disappear into the distance……

BUT, when I am in the car The Dearest One has given me a big marrow bone to chew on as a treat for being so calm, cool and collected during our journey. I loved that bone.

One night, not too long ago, I came back from a journey and was let out of the car and off I went to raise my leg……as you do. Or rather you don’t, but I do. Anyway, after said leg raising ceremony I went into the house. Meanwhile The Dearest One was collecting shopping bags out of the car when suddenly there was a loud scream……AAaaarrrrrgggghhhhhhhh

It was The Dearest One!! (Cue dramatic music)

We all went to see what was going on with me hidden behind JJ who in turn was hidden behind Freya who was at the side of Mia…….you get the picture

What I witnessed has changed me for life such was the shock (more dramatic music with a touch of the mysterious)

The Viz had sneaked outside pretending to raise his leg but obviously this was a decoy because he had jumped into the back of the Subaru, grabbed MY marrow bone and as The Dearest One went to get more bags from the back of the car the Viz jumped out passed her and of course gave her the shock of her life – as in AArrrrrgggggghhhhhhh type of thing.

Now it was The Dearest One’s turn for a toiletry moment!!!

I am now very very watchful of that Viz. I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could raise my leg – try telling him he’s old and grey – there’s life in the old dog yet!!!!

Epilogue

The Dearest One, so I found out, went to Southampton to join a rare breed??

She is now a formal member of TOBC or TOBC for short

THE OLD BIRDS CLUB

The Dearest One crept stealthily up to and over 50 – FIFTY!!!

That’s like young but older in a mature kind of way

Well my question to her is this??

“Why don’t you act your age”?
“It’s living with him” she said depressingly

“You know – Mr Star Trek himself, except the only Warp in him is his mind” “The weirdo”

A belated Happy Birthday Dearest One from all us dogs from France, Italy, Hungary (Grrrrr) and England – is it dinner time now?

Au revoir peeps, that’s it from your hero for this time, oh, and boys? I’m arranging a leg raising weekend if anyone’s interested…….JJ says he’ll be there

But I’m not inviting The Viz

Take care, wrap up warm and stay dry……..




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