what a busy time I’ve had, autograph hunters, the
press and magazine interviews, Dog World, TV appearances
and book signings are all the things that have not happened
to me during this period. Not one!!!!!
Claude Barbet – THE Claude Barbet and yet fame and
fortune alludes me still – and so do my bones??
first bone was one I got myself after I had beaten the
living daylights out of a lone roaming Brontosaurus that
had strayed into our garden. Now you don’t see these
around very often and it’s typical of living remotely,
you just never know what’s going to turn up next……..
second bone was stolen from me by a certain Hungarian
Dog living with us who’s training in stealth and
use of clever tactics has not been wasted on him. Personally
I blame the Russians.
But that Viz owes me big time because his devious deed
has not gone unnoticed by young Claude Barbet, oh no peeps
that Viz will regret crossing the Fiend from France. He
had better be on full alert now and Claudy Poos is going
to ignore his age as well, I don’t trust that dog
now as he is damned more agile than he looks…..crafty
before I tell you more on the above (that was just a tease
for what follows) I want ALL my adoring fans to know something??
BARBET HAS GROWN UP
was out and about the other day and suddenly without warning
– I found myself stood on three legs – yes
peeps I used just three legs (what the hell is he on about?)
see what happened was the other leg at the back I noticed
was stuck out to my left and raised in the air about 45
degrees. Meanwhile, another element of my body was performing
an act of urination. AMAZING…….there I was,
bimbling around and suddenly I stopped, found myself balanced
on three legs and there I was urinating. Imagine my surprise,
and it felt so natural….. erm…..and a relief
a mannnn, yes I am…. and I told you so” a
line from an old song I heard my owner singing.
of the owner, The Banker we’re on about here by
the way – when he urinates outside why doesn’t
he raise his leg and stand there on the other one??
do you mean shut up and don’t tell them that”?
this is my page and I’ll write what the hell I like
it’s not my fault you haven’t grown up and
can’t raise your leg up like I can”
sorry about that minor interruption, seems like someone
surprises there then. I’m French and he exists
where was I? Oh yes….
on I couldn’t help but notice that that big oaf
JJ (The Italian without the medallion) also went round
raising his leg and urinating on anything and everything,
and so me being me followed him everywhere that day and
where he did, so did I and over where he’d been…….nur
nur nee nur nur
- “Anything you can do I can do better” “I
can do anything better than you”
it away JJ - “No you can’t”
- “Yes I can”
- “Yes I can”
- “No I can’t, you’re right”?
three times bigger than me and so is his bladder!!!
now peeps I walk with a REAL mans swagger and poise…..
Barbet – French Monsieur in the making
so it came to pass that I was off again on my travels
to a land far far away. Non, Not THE Far Far away in Shrek
– this was a different land (but the characters
are the same)
Claude!! A moment of French humour……
was off down South or more precisely Southampton and if
you remember this was where I met up with the Special
Forces of the Barbet world – The Ninja Barbets.
was also the place where we Barbets had planned to take
over the world – OK, OK so that’s an exaggeration,
we planned (and failed) to take over the back garden.
a plan went, it was poo….
it was good fun and lots of peeps took my photo –
as you do
this journey took place the Dearest One thought it would
be a good idea to shower me!! OH MY GOD…..am I not
say I was unimpressed is an understatement, and after
being sprayed with Canine No 5, I was by then underwhelmed
the Spins enjoyed the laugh – on me……..especially
JJ who said I was his if I smelt like that when I got
Mud bath, jump in the river and splash around in the sea
was clearly going to be the order of the day - there was
no way I was coming back home smelling like a…..erm……well
you know? A smelly thing – I dunno!!!
‘the wimp’ Barbet??
is ever as it seems and when we got there I leapt out
of the back of the car and flung myself at……….no
one, nothing, Zilch?
dogs and no humans
this was how it was going to be then this was going to
be boring with a Capital B
then it happened?
of nowhere came this small Black & White blob –
four legged, mini ninja dress code and seeking friendship
or so it appeared. The thing was odd looking to say the
least with quite ridiculous ears and the look of a bulldog
chewing a wasp. I wandered over to it and it suddenly
screeched at me, you would have thought I was murdering
my leg was going to be useless and being somewhat startled,
not to say shocked by the appearance and sound of this
oddball I didn’t know whether to pick it up and
take it out into the field or poo!!!
chose the latter
in this state of mind and now having loose bowels I of
course sought the sanctuary of The Dearest One……and
hid behind her. It was then I went manly in a wimpish
kind of way? I growled at it - in French
what else was I going to do? Put yourself in my position
on I found out that this thing actually had a name, but
not what I was thinking it was!!
Apparently ‘Thing’ is called a Cocker Spaniel
– pathetic. English Springer, fine I can live with
that – and oddly enough, I do as well!! Now that
has a regal name to it and being French and regal myself
I can associate with that. But Cocker Spaniel!! And what
the hell is a Cocker?
know what English is, but just exactly what is a Cocker
and I want to meet the person that first said “Oh
I know, let’s call it a Cocker”
not call it a Titanic Spaniel – no forget that,
why not Concorde Spaniel – forget that as well,
it’ll just make the Americans jealous
Or what about Southampton Spaniel
even Hampton Spaniel, non. That could be construed as
rude with some people!!!
Cocker……..I’m a classic French dog and
there is no way on earth the French would have called
any dog a Cocker
OK so we have the Toy Poodle…….point taken!!
alright fine, and The Standard Poodle……..God,
don’t go on about it – you’ve made your
now look, I’ve forgotten where I was
ninja thing, sorry Ninja Cocker – oh this is really
it turns out the Cocker Spaniel is a puppy of sorts, I
remembered when I was one of them until I raised my leg
and after that the world changed. But I decided said Cocker
was about as much a ninja as I was being the next French
President…..and anyway I’m more popular just
being me!! Vive le France – and Wales
the course of the weekend I got friendly with the Cocker
but not that friendly!!
I’m French you know and maybe a bit of a wimp. But
I can raise my leg now and stand on the other three to
pee……HA…….I never saw that Cocker
cock its leg!!!
for something completely different
were all out and about around the garden and ménage
and places and Claude had ventured to the far end of the
garden. I like it here because it’s tranquil and
I hide under the bushes and play and sing happy tunes
to myself tra la la dum dee dum dee dar…….or
that nice song ‘Rumour has it’ by Adele. OK
then, probably not that one
there I was under this bush messing about with no leg
raising involved when I heard loud footsteps, I looked
out and to my surprise it was a Brontosaurus……..now
you don’t see many of these around in towns and
cities but out here in the wilds you get the odd one now
and again. I was feeling brave and felt that this particular
Brontosaurus was trespassing on our hallowed turf.
leapt out from under the bush and leapt onto its back
and proceeded to beat the living daylights out of it.
It died almost immediately from the shock of my stealth
tactics, my cunning and Special Forces training that I
get on Sundays from gun dog training.
I woke up from this dream I found I had an enormous bone
that was mine – “It’s mine I tell you
The bone wasn’t a dream – it was real and
it’s definitely from a Brontosaurus……!!
life in that old dog yet…….
It s that Viz – that devious low life of a dog that
looks old and grey and slow but is definitely not and
I’ve fallen out with him BIG time……oh
pity him my derrière……Grrrrrrrr
see when I hear or sense that The Dearest One has the
keys to the Subaru I get all excited (but not in a leg
raising way you understand) and charge in a dignified
way to the back door, if I’m already outside then
I sit on the floor behind the Subaru and wait for her
to let me in.
it’s turned into a game. She doesn’t always
take me with her you see but I still want to go –
so now she hides the keys, puts them in her bag or coat
pocket and the only time I know she’s going out
is when I hear the car start up and see it disappear into
when I am in the car The Dearest One has given me a big
marrow bone to chew on as a treat for being so calm, cool
and collected during our journey. I loved that bone.
night, not too long ago, I came back from a journey and
was let out of the car and off I went to raise my leg……as
you do. Or rather you don’t, but I do. Anyway, after
said leg raising ceremony I went into the house. Meanwhile
The Dearest One was collecting shopping bags out of the
car when suddenly there was a loud scream……AAaaarrrrrgggghhhhhhhh
was The Dearest One!! (Cue dramatic music)
all went to see what was going on with me hidden behind
JJ who in turn was hidden behind Freya who was at the
side of Mia…….you get the picture
I witnessed has changed me for life such was the shock
(more dramatic music with a touch of the mysterious)
Viz had sneaked outside pretending to raise his leg but
obviously this was a decoy because he had jumped into
the back of the Subaru, grabbed MY marrow bone and as
The Dearest One went to get more bags from the back of
the car the Viz jumped out passed her and of course gave
her the shock of her life – as in AArrrrrgggggghhhhhhh
type of thing.
it was The Dearest One’s turn for a toiletry moment!!!
am now very very watchful of that Viz. I wouldn’t
trust him as far as I could raise my leg – try telling
him he’s old and grey – there’s life
in the old dog yet!!!!
Dearest One, so I found out, went to Southampton to join
a rare breed??
is now a formal member of TOBC or TOBC for short
OLD BIRDS CLUB
The Dearest One crept stealthily up to and over 50 –
like young but older in a mature kind of way
my question to her is this??
don’t you act your age”?
“It’s living with him” she said depressingly
know – Mr Star Trek himself, except the only Warp
in him is his mind” “The weirdo”
belated Happy Birthday Dearest One from all us dogs from
France, Italy, Hungary (Grrrrr) and England – is
it dinner time now?
revoir peeps, that’s it from your hero for this
time, oh, and boys? I’m arranging a leg raising
weekend if anyone’s interested…….JJ
says he’ll be there
I’m not inviting The Viz
care, wrap up warm and stay dry……..